I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
