The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
