If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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