I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
