gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
