I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
