I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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