Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
