You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
