you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
