so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
