For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
