glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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