If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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