we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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