I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
