1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Randomize