hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
My feet surprised me
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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