my mouth tastes like poor choices
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
