So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
