I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
