On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
