She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
we should paint friendship bongs
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
