he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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