So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
