I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
