Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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