Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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