I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
she pinky promised me she was 18
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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