all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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