When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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