You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
