Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
