This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
