Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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