Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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