Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
