oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
