Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
