there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
