1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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