I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
