my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
