omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
