I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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