I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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