yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
