Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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