I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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