So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
