just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you win again, gameday.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Who died my cat blue again?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
