Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
