just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize