1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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