I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
