My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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