Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He passed out mid-signature
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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