I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize